When I was a child, it was always my dream to travel the world. No matter where I went or what I would do, I wanted a career that would allow me to travel and see the places I would read about in novels or see in movies.
Growing up in a small town, you know everything and everyone around you, existing in a tiny bubble of comfort that most people are scared to break. I felt trapped, a caged bird hoping to flap my wings one day as I was meant to do. I wanted to break the bubble, float into the gravity of the unknown and make my own sense of the world. The world’s greatest navigator, neither Don Quixote nor Marco Polo would have anything on me.
Though, now that I am older and am actually experiencing the world, sometimes I find myself wanting to be that small girl again, yearning for her magic carpet to whisk her away and show her a whole new world.
Sometimes, the world isn’t always what it seems. It’s scary; facing the unknown head on is a terrifying experience that many people–myself included–hate doing. As much as I dreaded it, sometimes I wish I was in that small town again, knowing what to do and say and knowing the people around me, protecting myself from the judgement of those who don’t know me.
Growing up is hard. Especially in your 20s. Everyone says your 20s are where you find yourself, but why? Why is there a timetable to self-discovery? I left my hometown to learn more about myself and the world, yet I only have a certain amount of time to do so? So much pressure for someone who has barely lived life.
That girl who wanted to travel is still there; she never quite left. But her dreams became more realistic the older she became. No more flying carpets, Doraemon robots, or fairy dust, but rather an expensive desire in an even more expensive world. Expenses come with age, I’ve found.
There is no denying that I have been having the time of my life here, but there are times where I fear that maybe–just maybe–it will be a waste of time and money. Is that just the ‘low income’ talking? Maybe. But I can never shake off the fear of financial instability.
Being able to study abroad without financial worries because of scholarships has been a blessing, and one I will not take for granted. And yet, I still wish I had it all and nothing all at once. I have always felt imposter syndrome, but I have made a brand new definition here as I learn about all of the things I never knew or never will.
They say your 20s are your time for self exploration, but they are also times of self comparison. I constantly find myself comparing myself to everyone around me; my friends, my peers, strangers. Not only in regard to skills, but with looks, ability to fit in, anything and everything becomes a competition in my mind. I even question if my friends are even actually my friends and are instead simply tolerating me because of these downcast periods.
I know this is unhealthy, but as a first-generation student sometimes I feel as though I am undeserving of my accomplishments, especially if others are better or smarter or have more friends.
These feelings become particularly amplified in a new space, like now. When I do not have the comfort or support system as readily available as I did before, it’s difficult to get out of those ruts whenever they occur. I have been learning how to combat these feelings, but sometimes they overwhelm me and cause long depressive episodes.
I won’t lie to you guys: it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. It has been so exhilarating embracing Japan in all of its glory and all that it has to offer, but even the brightest days become dark and cold. The excitement of having and participating in a new experience forms an all too perfect union with the fear and anxiety of not knowing what to expect. I want to step out of my comfort zone, but my anxiety continuously keeps me in a loop of sticking to the same routine out of a desire for normalcy in a place with so much uncertainty.
Growing up is risky. Being an adult is risky. Learning new things is risky. And, as my therapist would likely tell you, risks are one of the scariest things I face. I’m so afraid of the failure that I end up pausing and, as a result, diminishing myself for the sake of safety.
But risks are okay. I know that. I just have to become okay with it.
Slowly but surely, I have developed my own methods for protecting myself and my mind when I am down in the dumps.
Allow yourself to feel it. You feel as though you are ungrateful for being sad or whatever emotion you are feeling, but emotions are the most human thing we can experience. Regardless of what it may be, being emotional is not a crime. You don’t have to push yourself down when you feel this way, for it is a natural consequence of life and humanity.
Instead, indulge in things you know will distract you or uplift your mood, even slightly. I personally like to go on walks and find a coffee shop to relax, but I also have days where I simply bed rot and doom scroll on TikTok. Both are okay. Your methods of coping are not any less valid if they are less ‘productive’ than someone else’s.
Productivity =/= validity. Who cares if you are laying in your PJs with a pizza and watching a movie if it provides you joy? Most people don’t, and neither should you. Never deny yourself to feel the presence of joy, regardless of how productive it may or may not make you feel.
Studying abroad is both the most memorable experience you will have, and consecutively the scariest. These conflicting things are no doubt going to cause intense emotions, but I am coming to learn that it is okay to feel both.
I came to Japan thinking I would have to improve myself, and I have! There are many aspects of my life that have improved from being here just for the short amount of time that I have.
However, I have come to learn that there are simply some things that are okay just as they are: don’t fix what isn’t broken, for better words.
Take in the view, listen to your mind, and breathe. It is always okay to breathe.
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I got a bit vulnerable today, but if spilling my guts is helpful to even one person, it will have been worth it.
Thank you all for reading, and I will see you in another post!
DU Abroad 