I’ve officially been home from New Zealand for a few weeks now and not going to lie, it has been harder than expected. I was avoiding blogging a bit because I was thinking a lot and just trying to process what I was even feeling. However, I think it is important to talk about my range of emotions even if I still haven’t quite figured it out.
College is a time of life where we are expected to constantly be moving around, constantly saying bye to people. We are supposed to get attached, but not too attached because we are going to go home for summer break or leave after abroad. With my personality type, I tend to struggle with this change. I am the type of person who picks people and friendships that are deeper than the surface- people I can really talk to and be a true friend to as they are me. While this is a beautiful thing to have, it makes the leaving that much harder. I’ve been like this my whole life, always needed to process and mourn each phase of my life. This doesn’t mean that I am not excited for what’s to come, it just means that I feel like I can’t move on fully without doing so. My whole life, no joke every first day of school until about junior year of high school, I would come home and cry to my mom about missing my old teachers and how the new ones didn’t feel the same. Sooner than later, it would start to feel normal, and I would adjust and start to love my new teacher and cry about them the next year. I am just in my transition phase, processing the end of the new and exciting and reverting back to the comfortable and normal.
My time in New Zealand was the coolest, most unexpected thing I think I’ve done. So much happened during my time away, and honestly, I came back feeling like I aged a couple years. There were ups and downs, but I could not imagine not having that experience. I did learn how to be independent, but not in the typical way you would think. I learned what it means to be an adult and how people survive on their own out in the world. The truth is- you cannot do it alone no matter how hard you try. Yeah sure, I had to do some on my own but the friends were always there for support and to lean on when I needed it. Honestly, I think the independence that society glamorizes is overrated. Everyone puts so much emphasis on relying on themselves, but life is so much better when you figure it out with the people around you. There is something so special about the bond you create with people who you’ve shared experiences with. No matter how much my family knows me, or how many stories I tell, they will never understand my time in New Zealand as much as those I shared it with. I opened myself up and really learned to let people in and receive the love that I show others because that is what everyone craves in this life. That alone made my whole experience worth it (I guess the breathtaking nature was pretty cool too).
I think right now my biggest fear is that the person I was in New Zealand will slowly slip away from me and I will revert back to an old version of me. However, I am trying to remind myself that those experiences are with me forever and they have shaped me more than I realize. I know that there is a lot to look forward to in going back to DU and catching up with friends but my brain kind of works in a one thing at a time mode. Once I get back to Colorado it will feel like I never left, with endless things to catch up with friends about. Life will go back to “normal,” and start to feel normal again. However, right now, I am not finding as much comfort in that thought as I expected. But yeah, currently just trying to feel all the things I need to but not dwell too much on it. I know the people I meet will be lifelong friends even if they are from a distance. In the meantime, I am appreciating the comforts of my favorite coffee shops, PCH drives, holiday lights, and catching up with friends and family. I want to suck in every moment at home that I possibly can because this phase of life is short-lived.
At the end of the day, I just want to make my mom proud and make the most of all the opportunities that I’ve been blessed with. Going to a private high school, then to DU, and then to New Zealand was something that I never thought was in the cards for me. It is crazy how life works out how it is supposed to and how it can surprise you. Because of my mom’s sacrifice and hard work, the whole trajectory of my life has been changed. I plan to continue to make the most of every opportunity that comes my way, without being scared of new changes that arise. I think the reason why I take time to mourn and process each phase is because I always put my whole heart into it. Without this downtime, I wouldn’t be able to put my whole heart back into DU just as I did New Zealand. So yeah, those are my random thoughts about what’s been going on. While it’s been a little uneasy, the feelings are normal and I just think it’s good to find comfort in the community knowing that others are going through similar things. Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions about my time in New Zealand for anyone interested!
DU email- Jessica.mattox@du.edu
Instagram- jessicamattoxx
DU Abroad 