Author: sarahblaiser

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As my time abroad has been nearing its end, I have been struggling with lots of conflicting emotions. I have reached the time in my semester when I am struggling with burnout, and living in another country is no exception to this. With the stress of school, the struggle to keep up with the language difference, and continual travel, my cup is very full. This may sound like I am complaining, but really I am extremely grateful.

I have had such an amazing experience and I am struggling with the thought of letting go of the place I have learned to call home the past few months. I am trying to express as much gratitude as possible to my host mother and come to terms with not seeing her every day. Thinking of all of the friends I have made here and when next I will see them, due to the fact we all live on opposite sides of the United States, is difficult as well. Waving and smiling a few extra times to the shop owners that have begin to have a place in my heart. All of these new feelings that are arising due to my experience coming to an end soon.

All of these thoughts are accompanied by the immense joy I feel to have studied here to begin with. The gratefulness I have for being able to study abroad and learn a new language and culture. The fear of not fitting in. The longing for home. The excitement of a new culture. The joy of finding another family halfway across the world. The fear of leaving them but the need to. All of this partnered with exams and deadlines has quickly become exhausting.

Yet at the same time I wouldn’t have it any other way. This experience has been absolutely amazing and I am so happy I was able to experience the culture of France and a few other cultures along the way. There have been so many amazing people and events I have been able to experience. Studying abroad can be very exhausting, a fact I am feeling right now, but it is also amazing. I see the good and the bad in so many different places and I have a new appreciation for people living abroad permanently.

I am trying to walk home slower so I can appreciate my neighborhood. Pay more attention to the details or the locals I recognize but don’t fully know. Pushing myself to take more risks and grow even more.

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Today in one of my classes my professor began to talk about an emotion I have come to know very well and detest greatly. He was talking about how embarrassment is a daily occurrence, in life but also while abroad. This was a bit of a slap to the face for me because I have come to avoid embarrassment at all costs.

I saw a TikTok a long time ago that explained that embarrassment was a choice and you could decide to not be embarrassed. I took this idea and ran with it. However, my professor brought up the true point that it is unavoidable and part of life. He talked about how he is fluent in French but is extremely embarrassed when someone doesn’t understand him or he is made to feel different. I have been struggling with this feeling for much of my time abroad and couldn’t find a word for it. Embarrassment was the last emotion I wanted to relate to, but he couldn’t be more right.

I have studied French for about eight years and was convinced that I was going to do amazing in France with it. I have been doing well, but I have been humbled immensely. This emotion of embarrassment that I have been ignoring for so long has started to eat at me. I have started to be hard on myself for my inability to communicate everything and how different I feel here. Unfortunately, this is one of the growing pains that comes from living in a different culture and country.

Each day I am reminded that I do not belong and some days it is extremely exhausting. There have been multiple times I wish I could fly home, but then I have had amazing experiences that I never would have encountered if I had not studied abroad. I have met amazing people, seen beautiful things, and had great food. There have been equally as many amazing experiences as bad. I know that I wouldn’t trade these for the world. Each day is making me stronger whether it is the best or the worst day.

I hope that I will be able to find lessons in many of the struggles I am facing abroad. I know I am forming strong bonds with amazing people. As of right now, I am stuck in a bit of my own embarrassment, but I think owning it is the first step. Each day I learn more and more about myself and I hope this realization will push me into a new direction.