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Today in one of my classes my professor began to talk about an emotion I have come to know very well and detest greatly. He was talking about how embarrassment is a daily occurrence, in life but also while abroad. This was a bit of a slap to the face for me because I have come to avoid embarrassment at all costs.

I saw a TikTok a long time ago that explained that embarrassment was a choice and you could decide to not be embarrassed. I took this idea and ran with it. However, my professor brought up the true point that it is unavoidable and part of life. He talked about how he is fluent in French but is extremely embarrassed when someone doesn’t understand him or he is made to feel different. I have been struggling with this feeling for much of my time abroad and couldn’t find a word for it. Embarrassment was the last emotion I wanted to relate to, but he couldn’t be more right.

I have studied French for about eight years and was convinced that I was going to do amazing in France with it. I have been doing well, but I have been humbled immensely. This emotion of embarrassment that I have been ignoring for so long has started to eat at me. I have started to be hard on myself for my inability to communicate everything and how different I feel here. Unfortunately, this is one of the growing pains that comes from living in a different culture and country.

Each day I am reminded that I do not belong and some days it is extremely exhausting. There have been multiple times I wish I could fly home, but then I have had amazing experiences that I never would have encountered if I had not studied abroad. I have met amazing people, seen beautiful things, and had great food. There have been equally as many amazing experiences as bad. I know that I wouldn’t trade these for the world. Each day is making me stronger whether it is the best or the worst day.

I hope that I will be able to find lessons in many of the struggles I am facing abroad. I know I am forming strong bonds with amazing people. As of right now, I am stuck in a bit of my own embarrassment, but I think owning it is the first step. Each day I learn more and more about myself and I hope this realization will push me into a new direction.